My son was born, I heard him cry, but a feeling a relief quickly came and went.
Mamas, what was your initial feeling after your child was born?
Let me disclose that this is not my birth story. I'll get to that someday...
I'm starting from the moment I first held my son, Mason. He was born, I heard him cry, but a feeling a relief quickly came and went. The nurse placed Mason in my arms, and I immediately felt a panic come over me. I had no idea what to do, and as he continued to cry, so many questions and feelings flooded through me.
Do I feed him right now?
Should I pass him to my husband?
I'm embarrassed.
I don't know how to breastfeed. Do I ask a nurse to help me?
Is she going to judge me because I don't know what to do?
Am I just being hormonal?
I'm going to cry again.
What if he doesn't like me?
Am I ready for this?
Will I be a good mom?
I didn't want anyone to sense my self-doubt, so I kissed his forehead, and I lightly rocked Mason in my arms. I looked at my husband, and I quietly asked what I was supposed to do. But things quickly took a turn. I noticed that my husband was very focused on Mason but not in a gaga-endearing way. My husband had an extremely concerned look in his eyes, and he had the doctor come back into the room. Within minutes, Mason was taken from my arms, put in an incubator, and off to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). After that, the room was silent, and all I wanted was to hear my baby cry.
After a week in the NICU, we brought our healthy baby boy home. As we sat on the couch in our living room, staring at Mason in his bassinet, the panic began to come over me again. What do I do now? Before I could really dwell on that question, Mason started to cry, and oddly enough, the feeling of panic went away as I went into mama mode. I thought that it could only be one of two things - he has a full diaper, or he's hungry. Turned out to be both.